Shopping while lonely is a thing. Here's what's behind that, and how to be kinder to yourself.
When we stop spending money out of boredom and loneliness, a whole new world opens up--with great benefits besides a fatter stack of cash.
My dear friend, Rose Mary Riggs, has a daughter about the same age as mine. When the kids were little, we were always trying to figure out what to do to fill time with them, but one thing Rose Mary didn’t want to instill was to “shop for recreation.” I will always remember this and keep it as my mantra. (Thrift shopping is another matter, and I’ll admit to using that as therapy because it feels good to think I can buy anything I want at Goodwill.)
Cat Moore is a loneliness expert and one of my favorite people to interview—we’ve done several stories over the years. This last conversation was part of an article for Salon. It’s relevant now because tariffs make items more expensive, so you get even less for your dollar while digging a bigger financial hole.
This interview has been edited lightly for length and readability.
Vanessa McGrady: Why do people shop to cope with loneliness, and what are some alternatives? This study claims that lonely people have lower moral standards, and I’m not sure I buy that.
Cat Moore: I only had time to skim the abstract, so I haven’t gone deep into how the study was set up or what specific questions they were asking. But one thing that immediately struck me as a red flag was the way it groups people into “lonely” versus “not lonely” categories. Loneliness isn’t an identity—it’s a universal human experience. Everyone feels lonely at different points in their lives, and labeling people as lonely can actually reinforce that feeling. It’s not a static state; it’s more like a wave that comes and goes. Someone who feels lonely today might not feel that way in six months, and vice versa. So I think we need to be careful about turning loneliness into a fixed trait.
VMC: I’m wondering why someone would use shopping to fill that void, even if it means spending money they don’t have or buying things they don’t need.
CM: A few things come to mind here, though I should note this is based more on my observations than formal research. First, money can provide a sense of power or agency, and loneliness often feels like a loss of control. When someone feels disconnected from others, making a purchase can be a way to regain some control over their environment. It’s like, “I have the power to make something happen right now.” That can be a hopeful sign, in a way, because it means the person hasn’t given up on trying to create some form of connection or comfort. The problem, of course, is that you can’t actually buy the things you’re looking for—joy, peace, love. Those are things the holiday economy promises but can’t deliver.
And it’s a massive industry. I looked it up recently—it’s a $980 billion market that’s essentially selling us these idealized versions of life. Think about it: the ads and movies this time of year push images of perfect families, cozy gatherings, and the kind of deep connection that, for a lot of people, just isn’t their reality. So when you’re already feeling lonely, the holidays can amplify that, reflecting back what you wish you had but don’t. That’s a powerful psychological trigger, and it can lead to emotional spending as a quick fix.
VMC: Do you think there’s a difference in the experience of loneliness when shopping online versus in person?
CM: That’s a great question. I think it depends on the person. For some, being out in public, even just among strangers, can be a small antidote to loneliness. It can offer a sense of connection, however fleeting. But for others, it can have the opposite effect—feeling isolated in a crowd. Online shopping, on the other hand, can feel inherently lonelier, but it’s also more controlled. You can curate the experience to avoid reminders of isolation. That said, in-person shopping at least puts you in the physical presence of others, which can sometimes be enough to lift your mood, even if it’s just a small, chance encounter.
VMC: Right. So, what are some healthier ways people can deal with that loneliness, especially around the holidays?
CM: I think the first step is awareness. When you notice the urge to shop, that’s your moment to pause. Maybe it’s opening the Amazon app or grabbing your car keys for a mall run. If you can catch yourself in that moment, you can choose a different action. It’s called ‘urge surfing.’ You might, for example, text a friend, go for a walk, or make yourself a cup of tea—something that addresses the actual need for connection or comfort, rather than just filling a cart.
And if it’s a seasonal thing, like the holidays, it can help to set intentions ahead of time. Ask yourself, “What do I really want to get out of this season?” Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s connection, maybe it’s just some quiet reflection. Whatever it is, try to focus on that instead of letting the holiday marketing machine dictate your mood.
VMC: What about longer-term strategies? What can people do to break out of this cycle?
CM: Great question. In the long run, I think it’s about building real, lasting connections. That starts with being comfortable with yourself—befriending yourself, really. A lot of people feel lonely because they’re disconnected from themselves, so they don’t have a full self to offer others. Building that self-awareness is key.
Second, I’d say it’s important to find a community, something larger than just a collection of individual friendships. That might be a hobby group, a volunteer organization, or a faith community. Finally, reconnecting with your physical environment can be huge. Spend time in nature, explore your city, or even just take a different route on your daily walk. All of these things help reinforce that you’re part of something bigger.
VMC: What about the role of animals in this? Does that make a difference?
CM: Absolutely. Animals can be a powerful antidote to loneliness. They offer unconditional presence and affection, which can be a huge comfort. It’s even been shown that physical touch, like petting a dog, can regulate your nervous system and improve your mood. So, yeah, if you have a pet, take that cuddle break. It’s not just good for them—it’s good for you too.
Another idea, and retailers take note: An Amsterdam grocery store is combatting loneliness by offering shoppers green baskets if they’re open to connecting with others. I also loved how in Fleabag, our heroine’s sleepy cafe got a jolt when she started Chatty Wednesday, forcing people to talk with someone they don’t know. Genius, as is everything else Phoebe Waller-Bridge does.
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